


The first mistake was waking up

by FerraItt



Category: Red vs Blue
Genre: First Person Perspective, Gen, Meta Knowlage, Self-Insert, Totally cheating to survive, ambiguous timeframe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 07:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9168613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FerraItt/pseuds/FerraItt
Summary: For the 2017 January Self-insert challenge from TumblrJan1-Red vs Blue





	

     Normally when I wake up I’m in my bed covered in 15 plus blankets trying to wrangle an extra hour of lying in the warmth. One time I woke up on a concrete floor. I only noticed because of the lack of blankets that this was not my bed. 

     After forcing myself awake I looked around at the sci-fi knock off surroundings and determined that no, I was not home and had somehow sleepwalked into the basement area that lacked carpeting. I wasn’t hog tied or chained to anything. So probably wasn’t kidnapped by  _intelligent_  kidnappers. I stood up. Looking around some more I determined that this was not a room, but a hallway. I began walking down the end of the hall which I thought was towards outside. 

     SUNLIGHT! Bad, nope, too bright. Yep found the exit.

     The area looked barren, dry, enclosed on all sides by steep rock faces. Canyon. Awake enough for that word. The walls on either side of me were pock marked with bullet holes.... 

     “Whelp that does not bode well,” I thought taking another look around the landscape. Mostly boulders and maybe a couple trees around the side of the base. “Why did I call this place a base?” I thought before hearing a shotgun cocking.

     “FREEZE DIRTBAG!” Some southern guy said behind me. Actually more like force fully yelled but didn’t quite reach the volume. I raised my hands up in the ‘i’m unarmed’ gesture to the person behind me. “Turn around re _ee_ al slow ye’ dirty blue.” He ordered. Obeying I turned around and saw a man in full RED Halo armor.

     “Son of a bitch.” I hung my head. I was in Blood Gulch. Fuck my PJ’s are the same color as Tucker’s armor. And I woke up in RED Base.

     “Thought you could pull on over on the RED army? Well the jokes on you because we’re prepared for your nefarious plot!” Sarge raved his own praises. He probably was the only person awake right now since he hasn’t made a call for Simmons to put me in a holding space, nor called Grif an insubordinate sack of shit for allowing a BLUE to sneak into the base. I began to inch more out the door. “I said freeze ye’ dirty blue.” He moved forward so that the end of his shotgun was directly in my face. It really should have made me fear for my own life due to the fact that he was a crazed ideological idiot for the RED vs BLUE war and I was in a blue-ish green-ish outfit if it weren’t for one thing.

     “I’m very obviously female and YOU have never hit a woman in your whole life,” I stated as a matter-of-fact. He probably hasn’t gone through the whole Church is an AI, hunt down the director, find out the WAR he dedicated his life to is a sham thing yet. So this would be an unnerving thing to point out. I hoped.

     “How did you find out about that?” Paranoia coated his words. Good the bluff was good. “Simmons! Grif! Get in here!” Fuck those two would actually shoot me. I began sprinting towards the walls of the canyon looking for one of the cave entrances. My feet were getting a beating in the fuzzy socks that I wore to bed being the only barrier from the dirt, rocks, and possible thistle like undergrowth of the canyon floor. Two sets of footsteps could be heard fallowing me, one much closer and faster than the other. Simmons was gaining on me. I was a good sprinter but the distance between the rock face and the base was much larger than the couple blocks I would run in my neighborhood. Next plan use their fears against them.

     “Is that a _snake_ hole?” looking to what was probably a hole from Church’s failed attempts at using the sniper rifle along my path.

     “What?!” Simmons shrieked. Good now he will take a slightly longer rout and give myself a bit more room. “Bullshit that isn’t a snake hole.” OK bluff harder with a little truth mixed in.

     “Dude I was raised in Ephrata. We had lessons on avoiding the rattlesnake territories in elementary school, I know a snake den entrance when I see it,” Do I know a snake den entrance when I see it? Yes. Do the elementary schools of a small town called Ephrata tell kids how to avoid rattlesnakes? If their parents haven’t already they might. Was I raised in Ephrata? Only for a year and I was too young to remember so that’s a lie. YAY Playing two truths and a lie with a dude who might shoot me!

     Simmons took a moment to hesitate if he should believe me. He began taking a larger path around the sniper holes. THANK GOD. And Church’s god complex can totally take credit for that one, it was his bad aim that gave me such a wide range of safety from Simmons. I almost made it to the wall and began scanning for any cave entrances. Grif was enclosing on my positon but a cave entrance would give an escape from this wild chase.

     I spotted an entrance maybe ten meters from where I was and started moving in a diagonal line towards it. Grif was still behind me but panting at the strain that the chase had put on his out of shape self. He pointed his gun at me and wheezed out what should have been a threat. Couldn’t hear what it was meant to be though.

     “See ya! I’m gonna go spelunking in this bat-cave!” Good enough of a bluff. He didn’t fallow me into the cave as I went deeper. I continued on until a couple turns in the cave meant that if Donut threw in a grenade I could have a rock wall protecting me.

     Next order of business! I have no idea…

**Author's Note:**

> If you were wondering what I look like for the sake of visualizing. Standard petite white girl with brown hair and eyes should do it for you.


End file.
